Write about something you struggle with
I have an anxiety disorder, and I’d the feeling I struggle with most is the overall sense of being a burden on others. It’s a constant battle between myself and I because I’m afraid of doing so many simple things out of fear of the feeling I’m burdening other people.
I don’t like to start conversations first, even to just to say hi because I fear seeming too clingy and that I’m bothering someone with something better to do than talk to me. If I’m not doing something to help someone, or not doing enough to help them, I feel like I could be doing more.If I’m not doing chores, writing, something productive I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of being useless. I say I’m sorry way too much and then apologize for apologizing. When I’m being abused or mistreated, I usually blame myself because the thought process goes in my mind that I must’ve done something to deserve it.
The other battle lies with trying to hide it. I made a bargain with myself a long time ago that even if it did more harm to me, I’d hide all the negative emotions I could to say I’m fine and help others so they don’t have to suffer as I did, as I do. It’s so much easier to lie and say I’m fine because it gets me so far than to tell people what’s going on. I’ve been through so many instances where I’ve been guilt tripped and shamed for emotions that most of the time, it doesn’t feel worth it to share what’s going on with me.
Sorry for the depressing read, but I wanted to be honest. If anyone else can relate, feel free to share your story if you feel comfortable. I hope despite this downer you have a wonderful Friday!