30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 8 – Struggle

Write about something you struggle with

I have an anxiety disorder, and I’d the feeling I struggle with most is the overall sense of being a burden on others. It’s a constant battle between myself and I because I’m afraid of doing so many simple things out of fear of the feeling I’m burdening other people.

I don’t like to start conversations first, even to just to say hi because I fear seeming too clingy and that I’m bothering someone with something better to do than talk to me. If I’m not doing something to help someone, or not doing enough to help them, I feel like I could be doing more.If I’m not doing chores, writing, something productive I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of being useless. I say I’m sorry way too much and then apologize for apologizing. When I’m being abused or mistreated, I usually blame myself because the thought process goes in my mind that I must’ve done something to deserve it.

The other battle lies with trying to hide it. I made a bargain with myself a long time ago that even if it did more harm to me, I’d hide all the negative emotions I could to say I’m fine and help others so they don’t have to suffer as I did, as I do. It’s so much easier to lie and say I’m fine because it gets me so far than to tell people what’s going on. I’ve been through so many instances where I’ve been guilt tripped and shamed for emotions that most of the time, it doesn’t feel worth it to share what’s going on with me.

Sorry for the depressing read, but I wanted to be honest. If anyone else can relate, feel free to share your story if you feel comfortable. I hope despite this downer you have a wonderful Friday!

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12 thoughts on “30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 8 – Struggle

  1. Zee says:

    Oh man. I can totally understand what you mean. I too have suffered from anxiety in the past and still struggling with depression. I can understand how it all can take a toll. It’s a battle with oneself and unfortunately not everybody is willing to understand that. I have always struggled with sharing my feelings and emotions with others, hence as you keep it inside, I have too. And it’s painful because as you said, it does feel like you are hurting yourself while saving others. But sometimes Saving others does gives this immense pleasure. So maybe it’s worth it sometimes, but not always. Especially if it’s comprising your well being over and over again.

    Much love,
    Zee❤️

    Like

    • hailangeliccreation says:

      Thank you very much for being willing to listen and relate! Thank you as well for your well wishes! Yes, saving people from suffering is enough to do it most of the time, but it’s when they get angry and don’t realize what I have to do and have been doing for them is when I get particularly down. I struggle with anxiety and depression because of it, but I’m able to function.
      I hope you have a wonderful day!
      -Author S

      Like

  2. Naaria says:

    *hugs* I can definitely relate. I’m usually too afraid to greet someone first, for fear they’ll think I’m weird for talking to them since I don’t know them that well… which is funny because, because of this, people think I’m ignoring them!

    It’s hard to remember, but we don’t ever bug others as much as we think we do. Unless we’re saying “hi” to them a million times a minute, we’re just being normal and friendly. Still, I remember having a job where before I’d walk in, I’d have to give myself a pep talk: “ok Naaria, just say ‘morning!’ and it’ll be ok.” then, when fear inevitably takes over, it becomes “it’s okay Naaria.. try again tomorrow”.

    My favourite quote: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says ‘I will try again tomorrow’. 🙂

    Like

    • hailangeliccreation says:

      Thank you so much for this! It made my day! Yes, I need to tell myself it’ll be okay and just to take it one step at a time. Some days with inevitably be much harder than others, but other days I have to break from these thoughts and do what I need to do. Luckily, most days I can function normally or at least seem like I can.
      I’m glad you’re able to made it through your days as well. Maybe we can help each other by being kindred spirits in this sort.
      Thank you so much again for the quote, the willingness to listen (read), and the courage to relate it back to your own personal experiences!
      I hope you have a wonderful Friday evening! *hug*
      -Author S

      Liked by 1 person

      • Naaria says:

        Taking a break away from everyone and everything from time to time is just as important, if not more important, than working our butts off combating our demons. Don’t ever be ashamed anytime you feel like you can’t handle something. It’s ok to breathe and gather yourself before trying again, even if it happens to take a day or three. ❤

        Seems we're definitely kindred spirits and you can always message me if you need someone to talk to 😊

        Like

      • hailangeliccreation says:

        Thank you very much! Yes, sometimes I forget it’s okay to take time just for me when the feelings of laziness and worthlessness crash over me. I always feel like I should putting other people first, you know? That if I’m not, I might be selfish, but I have to realize that to do my best for other people, I have to take care of myself.
        Thank you very much for taking the time to discuss this with me!
        I hope you have many blessings coming your way as we get closer to the holidays and that you have a wonderful evening!
        -Author S

        Liked by 1 person

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